Jacob Anderson Esq - Spoiling it for Everybody

jls (jump leap splat!)

Picture this moment. Imagine he doesn’t land it. Imagine he falls and kisses the lino with that knowing little smirk of his. Picture that image. That’s a calming image.

Me out.

Disclaimer 1: I’m sorry to any JLS fans who may be offended by my comments.

Disclaimer 2: I’m not sorry.

psycho killer, ques que c’est?

I’ve very stupidly started reading American Psycho for the second time and boy am I stupid, stupid, stupid. Bret Easton Ellis is my favourite favourite writer and I thought, to ignite some inspiration into my own writing project (that deals with similar themes), “why not read it again?” I thought…Now I remember “why not”!

American Psycho is the most graphically violent and sexual novel I have EVER read. Somehow I forgot to what extent though. I’m warning you, if you see it on the shelves and are a fan of grisly, in your face, human gore, by all means give it a read, it’s amazing writing. If you’re not, don’t be a hero. Pick up The Rules of Attraction, or Less Than Zero. Or this.

And if you see me dry retching on the tube with this book in my hand, you can tell all the door hugging commuters that I don’t have the swine, I’m just reading American Psycho. So relax!

Happy December 2nd!

Me

john carpenter for president.

This weekend I settled down to watch an old favourite of mine, the John Carpenter/Kurt Russell masterwork Big Trouble in Little China (if you haven’t seen it, I urge you to sprint to your nearest HMV, buy it and clear your schedule). I digress -  The following day, I found myself singing a repulsively 80s song, wondering what the napsack I was doing! Only now have I worked out what I was singing, and here it is, silly me…Big Trouble in Little China by The Coupe de Villes (yes that’s John Carpenter singing). I’ve posted the video in all it’s magical glory below. Enjoy friends.

kill me.

Look, I know we all get a certain guilty pleasure from watching X Factor (full name, Ex-Factory built robot’s of pure evil and world destruction) and the odd bush tucker trial (also known as the final, shameless, scraping the bottom of your 15 minutes of semi-fame trial) - and if you’re one of those die hard reality robots, maybe don’t read this - but I’ve been saved, which means I can look down on all the little people and say THIS:

I myself was once a deluded young X Factor zombie, religiously gawping at the screen every week to see which poor dead soul would humiliate themselves on national TV. I even mistook it for family time on saturday night (I now recognise it as family brainwashing time). Thinking I was doing my part for the british music industry, voting for someone with actual talent. But we all know that notion is bullshit.

When you look at past winners, who - bar Will Young (who was in Pop Idol, may I add, like a smarty pants) - has actually become a decent pop star? Did they not learn from the aforementioned Pop Idol?! - Remember Michelle McManus? The, um, large young lady from a few years ago? Simon Cowell obviously realised that the scottish geeza bird that he’d championed from the beginning was actually a…well, large, scottish geeza bird and dropped her. Waste of 3 months right? Steve Brookstein of X Factor 1 Fa- well…I don’t think I need to say anything about Steve Brookstein to prove my point (It was a challenge remembering his name, I deserve serious loser points for that). Another wasted 3 months. Shayne Ward, scraped that same fame bucket for 15 minutes, stole a couple of Justin Timberlake songs/haircuts/beard trims then out into obscurity. Leon Jackson (who?).

Leona Lewis has, in all fairness been relatively successful, but with all the personality and “X Factor” of a piece of plain white bread on a plate made of steaming dog shit. And finally, Alexandra Burke who gives me shivers every time I hear her name, especially after her cringe inducing, puke influencing crying fit at the end of last year. She’s doing okay at the minute, but it’s year one. There can only be one loathesome warbling UK diva in the charts at any one time (i’m looking at you Leona).

And then there’s JLS, but I won’t moan about them because it seems i’m the only person in the world right now who thinks they look like a robotic BoyzIIMen/Early Take That hybrid so contrived and meaningless that one day they’ll implode into one big contrived and meaningless teenage girl eating black hole and THE WORLD WILL CRY AND BOO HOO EXCEPT FOR ME WHO’LL BE LAUGHING IN THEIR STUPID IMPLODED FACES!!! Pfew…sorry about that, nothing personal boys. Anyway, back to the point: You’re wasting your time.

So who out of this year’s competition is REALLY likely to become a success? Who cares, I stopped watching weeks ago, and you know the amazing thing about that? When you don’t watch, it doesn’t exist! Channel 4 got the right idea by axing Big Brother (Which may I add freed up £50million for drama and good stuff. 50 MILLION pounds!!!)

But when that glorious day comes, never fear. I have a plan, let’s all just go around giving record deals out to any old scruffy, borderline mental patient and irritating blonde irish twins we can find in the street. It would save time, and braincells.

Sorry to preach (i’m not sorry), by all means keep telling yourself it’s light fluffy entertainment. But we all know it’s evil, and if it continues, i’m taking a leaf out of this guy’s book…

Me, out!

(picture via threeframes)